Returned from the Wilderness

2010/08/11

I’ve come back from the wilderness of coastal Alabama and brought some new insights.  Truly this visit partook of elements of ‘retreat’ in that there wasn’t even decent parklands to hike through nearby, just endless fields of cows, cotton, horses, corn, and soy beans.  We did do three short trips, one to the gulf, one to the outlet mall, and one to Mobile Bay.  All were major achievements for my mother, who seems to have the distinct ability not to savor her achievements.

I love my mom, but she clings to her neuroses like a toddler hugs her blankey.  Trying to nudge her toward a more enlightened view of reality, and how to deal with it was a thankless, uphill battle—one I’m certain I lost.

The unvarnished truth is that over the course of my years with her, I absorbed many of her neuroses, and I have only begun to deal with them.  At least seeing her plainly again helped me see them better in myself, and made me more determined to root them out of my psyche.

I also gained an appreciation for my dad, and what he has to put up with.  He’s no saint, but he is far more estimable than I had originally thought.  I also realized I’d mislabeled him by referring to him as an ISTJ.  I realized he is more ISFJ.  His ‘rulekeeping’ was always motivated by devotion, rather than the other way around.  Fascinating.

My Sorta Monastic Get Away

2010/07/30

Visiting the parents is the closest I ever come to monasticism.  I don’t drink when I’m with them.  I adjust my diet to that of their (usually two-person) community.  I’m totally celibate (there is no privacy in a camping trailer).  I rarely get on the internet.  And I read.  A lot.

Actually, I welcome the break from my usual routine.  It gives me space to examine my life, and consider changing some things when I return to it.  But just because I welcome the break doesn’t mean it is easy to get through.

See you all in a week.

Maybe I Should Join a Monastery

2010/07/28

I’ve become more aware of how the web is twisting my mind.  My attention span has shortened greatly.  I get caught up in microcrises, insipid discussions and pointless arguments.  Worst of all, the daily onslaught of bad news, insipid celebrity gossip and poisonous opining has virtually wiped out all my hope.

I need an internet diet.  And an internet immunity boosting program.

More General Thoughts on the Nature of Religion

2010/07/16

Recently I had one of those brief, dashed-off exchanges on Facebook®, the kind that are rife with misunderstanding and miscommunication, about the nature of religion.  I stand by my belief that the original and enduring function of religion is to enforce a society’s ethos.  I paraphrase Emile Durkheim when I maintain that the totem is the tribe and the tribe is the totem.  In other words, although I DO believe in God, I think all our concepts about who and what God is will forever be inadequate – at least in this plane of existence – because our minds are finite and God is not.  Therefore our ideas about and images (i.e., totems) of God necessarily represent our (the tribe’s) inherent biases about ethics and morality.  In other words, a society’s idea of God reflects that society’s ideas about morality and ethics.  The totem is the tribe, and the tribe the totem.

What follows is an adaptation of an explanation I sent one of the correspondents in the discussion.

I want to clarify that I didn’t mean to insult religion, or any particular religion, on Facebook® recently.  I also would like to say that I haven’t categorically determined never to join another religion.  I am currently ‘unchurched’, but I cannot say I would never join another religion, nor even at this point which I would join (I’m hovering around three these days—more below). 

However, I do think the original purpose or function of religion in society is to maintain the ethos of that society.  Prophets and reformers arise from time to time to call people to a higher spirituality, but very soon their message of reform simply gets woven back into the fabric of religion’s function, which is social control.  Jesus of Nazareth was just one of the many prophets over the years who tried to change things (and did to a certain extent).  In monoreligious societies, such as a tribe of indigenous Australians, the nature of the ethos enforcement within the society is rather clear.  In a multicultural, multireligious nation such as ours, the society that a specific religion tries to control is made up of the members of that religion.  In other words, one of the main functions of Methodism is to maintain the ethos of Methodism among its members.  However, some of the more evangelical/fundamentalist religions feel it is their duty to enforce their ethos on the whole of US society, and even on the whole world.

Religion can be an excellent platform for spirituality, and many people use it as such.  Many people also use religion to stifle spirituality.  We probably have no hard numbers or percentages of how many religious adherents are truly spiritual as opposed to those oriented merely toward policing the boundaries of individual behaviors, and perceptions (not to mention past history—remember, I was raised a fundamentalist, and didn’t leave that religion until I was 31) would therefore determine whether I or another person see spirituality among the religious as common or rare.  To my thinking real spirituality among religious people is quite rare, and something akin to miraculous, if not outrightly so.  In my more cynical moments, a person creating spirituality in a religious context almost seems to me to be spinning gold from straw.  (A person more cynical than me once described it this way: If spirituality is like a full-blown disease, then religion is like a vaccine – if gives you just enough of the disease to keep you from catching a full-blown case.)  In my less cynical moments I think of spiritually oriented religious adherents as beating their swords (religion) into plowshares (spirituality)—in other words, not miraculous per se, but definitely a task that one has to opt to do, and not a task inherent in religion itself.  I assume some find spirituality within religion a more common occurrence than I do. 

Also I do not mean to imply that non-spiritual religious people are ‘bad’.  They can be quite ethical, and even exhibit sacrifice and compassion.  I simply think that their motivation for doing so is often more about conformity to a perceived religious norm, and that often that conformity can prevent them from taking their spiritual lives higher.  They aren’t bad people, but they may well be limited people.

I say all this for several reasons.  One, I don’t think a person has to be religious, or adopt a specific religion to be spiritual.  However, I recognize that for many people it helps.  Maybe spinning gold from straw is difficult, but less difficult than spinning gold from nothing whatsoever.  Maybe beating a sword into a plowshare is difficult, but still easier (for some people) than mining the iron ore for oneself, then smelting it and molding it.  Still, I think non-religious people can be spiritual if they choose to be, and even atheists and agnostics can have deeply spiritual lives (even if they wouldn’t necessarily want to label them as such).

Two, as a person who studies religion a lot, and who maintains an ongoing interest in religion (not to mention harboring the possibility of joining a religious community in the future), I want to be very clear in my mind about what religion is and does, what purpose it serves in the human mind and human society, and what it doesn’t do.  I feel that if I do decide someday to join a religion, I will be better able to use religion to pursue a spiritual life if I keep in mind the counter-spiritual elements inherent in religion.  Knowing the functions and limitations of a tool can help me adapt it (or reshape it) to other uses.

Third, as an INFP (Myers-Briggs), I by nature seek the harmonies among the pursuers of spirituality.  I intrinsically want to bring together real spiritual seekers, despite their particular religious path, or even if they have eschewed religious paths altogether.  Therefore, to me spirituality is important, and religion, while fascinating, is secondary.  And the fact that religion seems so often, to me at least, to get in the way of people developing spiritual lives frustrates me, and frustrates my desire to see and point out harmonies.

As for myself, when I do seriously think about joining a religious community, I’m torn between Christianity (specifically either Quakerism, with its communal quiet contemplation, or Catholicism/Orthodoxy, with its access to the saints and its inspirational liturgy), Buddhism (again with the quiet contemplation, and a very reasonable grasp of Reality), and Islam (with its emphasis on a Unitary Deity, its inspiring prayer liturgy and its surprising flexibility).  Interestingly, I find these three to be the world’s most “portable” religions, and by this I mean “able to transcend cultural barriers”, especially Christianity and Buddhism, with Islam a bit less so.

I have no desire to insult religion.  I don’t insult swords by calling them swords instead of plowshares.  I just want accurate understandings of its nature and purpose, so that spiritual people can better transcend its limitations.

Now That the Cup Is Over, I Should Really Read*

2010/07/12

By 8:20 this morning, I was already covered in sweat. Summertime in the District.

Spain’s win yesterday pleased me. My mom called me during the extra time period, before Spain’s goal. “Whatcha doing?” she asked, just to tease me. I told her I’d call her back after the game, which I dutifully did.

By the way, I was pleased with the results of the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Prompted by some fascinating posts by Ta-Nehisi Coates on his blog, I’ve been reading the Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant. The book is really quite good. Grant was a good writer, and I suppose it helped to have Mark Twain for an editor. The book is lengthy, however, and I’m just now getting to the seige of Vicksburg. Soon I will need to travel to see the parents after Mom’s surgery, and I wonder whether I would do well to save the latter half of Grant’s Memoirs for the trip. Whenever I go to see the parents, I do a lot of reading, and this will especially be the case this time around. I always seem to enjoy reading history and biographies more while with them. Philosophy and religion are too hard to digest while away from home, I believe.

Speaking of books, I bought a book on Wednesday, another on Friday, one on Saturday and a fourth on Sunday.† I absolutely must not enter a bookstore for the rest of July. This is ridiculous. I bought a month’s worth of hard reading in five days, and that totally ignores the fact that I have two year’s or more worth of hard reading untouched on my shelves. Maybe I should take these books with me when I visit the parents.


*The title is misleading, since I actually read quite a bit over the past five weeks, but still not enough to suit me.  Also, I need to exercise, and to socialize more.

†They are, in order of purchase, Milton’s Paradise Lost (Everyman’s Library edition), Donald Lopez’s anthology Buddhist Scriptures (Penguin), Anton Chekhov’s Stories (Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky’s translation, published by Bantam Books), and Alan Sokal’s Beyond the Hoax (Oxford University Press). In my defense, I had deep discounts on all but the first purchase.

Wouldn’t a “Warts and All” Fictional Hero Be as Good as a Historical Hero You’ve Never Met?

2010/07/06

Of several conclusions and observations I made while reading the third Stieg Larsson novel over the weekend:

Lisbeth Salander would never keep a blog.

I Just Don’t Know

2010/06/30

I used to feel so intimidated by everyone around me because I thought they knew what they were doing, and I was the only one who didn’t have a clue.  But now I suspect that assumption is wrong, and no one really knows what they are doing.  They’re all just faking it and hoping it all comes out well, or at least even, in the end.

But faking it may well be the best answer.  A technique for survival.  I’ve seen cats fake it.  Once Debbie jumped from one piece of furniture to another, missed and hit the floor.  She got up, head and tail held high, and walked away in a dignified manner, letting Duane and I know that whatever had just happened, she meant to do just that, and please don’t think otherwise.

Sometimes, however, a radical honesty is called for, and that means admitting that I’m faking it, and don’t really know what I’m doing, and that I don’t know what the ends, the teloi, are for all that is going on in my life and the world around me.  I keep looking, I keep getting ideas and synthesizing them, but I haven’t arrived at many, if any, firm conclusions.

Doubt differs from skepticism.  Doubt is a condition, and state that befalls one, whereas skepticism is a stance, a choice and even a philosophical orientation.  I’m not a skeptic.  I want to believe, and I want to know.  But I usually find myself in a position of doubt.  I don’t know.

But this I do know: seeker, doubter and faker, I still have to go on.  Sometimes I run, sometimes I creep and scrutinize, and sometimes I’m barely dragging myself along the trail, but I cannot stop completely.

World Cup, Pride and a 5

2010/06/14

The past weekend brought us the beginning of World Cup month and DC Gay Pride.  It was busy.

I took a vacay day to watch the first two games of the World Cup.  The highlight of the weekend for me was seeing Demond Tutu dancing in the stands after South Africa’s goal in the first game.  Awesome.

I decided on Saturday to go see the USA-England game down in Dupont Circle.  It was hot (95° F at one point), and unbelieveably humid.  I enjoyed the game, however.  Afterwards I searched for food, hydration and air conditioning.  When I had recuperated sufficiently, I met some friends for the Gay Pride parade.  I was much happier to see the friends than the parade.

Sunday, I gave some thought to going to the Gay Pride festival, but decided to stay home and watch more World Cup.  If I’d made plans to meet friends, I’d probably have made the effort to go.  But going down to the festival and navigating the crowds in the hot sun wasn’t worth the effort to me.

I could have gone to see the booths of the volunteer groups and the religious and cultural groups, but I would have had to work my way past all the corporate sponsorship booths, the politicians and the drunken boys.  It’s okay when I’m not tired or the sun isn’t too hot.  But those latter two conditions didn’t apply yesterday.

Also, the surfeit of hot men is distracting at best, and disappointing for the most part.  My theory is that at Pride events, there are too many 10′s and 9′s to feast the eyes on, far more than one usually sees.  We 5′s and 6′s are too distracted by the 10′s and 9′s to see one another, and so we end up frustrated.  I prefer to stay home than go out and get a heaping helping of sexual frustration.

More Aimless Wanderings

2010/06/09

I’ve not posted in a while, but I haven’t written much in my journal either.  I go through dry spells, and after all the ferment of late winter and early spring, I was due, I suppose.

Manuel seems to be improving.  Apparently fungal infections take much longer to heal than do bacterial infections.  Still, I get very sad and frustrated seeing him in the cone he has worn since January.  I got desperate enough to get on my knees and ask the saints for intervention.  It’s working.  But it was a jolt to my estimation of myself to realize my theology was maleable under the duress of everyday life’s problems.  I reckon when all is going well, I can deal with a transcendent, ethereal Deity, but when things get rough, I’m on my knees begging for help from whomever will listen.

If the theology of my childhood hadn’t been so effed up from the get-go, I’d probably have settled into a religion comfortably by now.  As it is, I’m a permanent pilgrim, in search of not only the Real, but the path and the tribe associated with the Real.

Another issue on my mind is figuring out my “presentation of self.”  This involves everything from clothing choices to grooming to carriage.  I don’t often think about, but the issue has risen in urgency as I’ve begun to think about what I need to do to make friends and possibly start dating.  My natural introversion coupled with being a closeted gay kid in the hypermacho world of the Deep South led me naturally to work at keeping a low profile, ignoring the people in my surroundings and not much paying attention to how others perceive me.  This engrained habituation needs to be broken, and will take some effort.

Finally, on a more general level, I’ve been contemplating the issue of what an individual owes her surrounding society, and what she is called upon to tolerate from that society and it’s individual members.  This covers a range of issues from “being there for someone” to personal boundaries to sexual harassment.  I don’t think our society has arrived at generally accepted standards of behavior (when to say hello to a stranger, when to be reserved, when to offer assistance, etc.), and we are suffering as a result.

Food, Respect and Weekend Rest

2010/05/27

After having to deal with the veterinarian and the plumbers last weekend, not to mention my own nasty cold (flu?), I look forward to a quieter weekend. I want to make some progress toward catching up on my reading, and get a little exercise in. Manu needs some attention, too, since he has been a very good kitty and taken his medicine and dealt with pretty much the same wackness I have.

I have been thinking a lot about existential things (when don’t I, right?), and I speculate that growing up involves getting the disparate parts of one’s personality to harmonize better. This occured to me after a discussion in which I said there were parts of me who wanted to grab attention from random people like any given precocious two-year-old, and other parts that would gladly turn into a forest monk just so no one could see me at all. I reckon the middle path—for me, at least, since I am an introvert—is to not seek attention unless necessary, but not to hide completely either. I think being kind and respectful is key. In this city, kindness and respect are practically countercultural.

Something I read the other day disturbed me. Michael Pollan in an essay on the politics of food in The New York Review of Books wrote:

These arguments resonated during the Senate debate over health care reform, when The New York Times reported that the private Senate dining room, where senators of both parties used to break bread together, stood empty. Flammang attributes some of the loss of civility in Washington to the aftermatch of the 1994 Republican Revolution, when Newt Gingrich, the new Speaker of the House, urged his freshman legislators not to move their families to Washington. Members now returned to their districts every weekend, sacrificing opportunities for socializing across party lines and, in the process, the “reservoirs of good will replenished at dinner parties.” It is much harder to vilify someone with whom you have shared a meal.

I seem to recall a gradual deterioration of the atmosphere in DC from the time I moved here in the fall of 1994 up to the present. I’ve waited to see if there would be a turn around after 2008, but so far not that much.

On the ‘Economix’ blog on The New York Times web site, a post indicates that there seems to be an inverse correlation between the average time taken in eating and the obesity of the population. Those who linger at meals tend to be thinner, and least when broken up by countries. Actually, this make sense to me. We don’t respect food. It is merely untilitarian to us. Yes, we want it to taste good as we shove it down our gullets. But we don’t appreciate it, or where it came from, or those who worked to bring it to us. Not respecting our food, we in turn do not respect our own bodies. I’ll be thinking about this some more.

The lack of respect in US culture seems pervasive. To my mind it seems worse than it was 30 years ago. I have to wonder why, as women, people of color and LGBT folks began to gain more freedoms (not nearly enough, mind you, but definitely more than we had), the society as a whole seemed to coarsen. Are the two trends related, or merely coincidental? A friend seems to think they are related, and that as people began to demand and win more rights, the standards of what was acceptable and what was not became less rigid, and that included standards of respectful behavior. It’s a shame that this happened. I wonder what we can do about it.


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